Eggsperiments
Breakfast today was experimental…
6th October 2026 - an undisclosed location.
I am on a scientific expedition currently, so naturally this morning has turned into a series of grotesque experiments designed to test the very limits of human breakfast endurance.
These surely ground breaking results will then of course be used to contribute to the good of mankind, or rather whatever is left of it thanks to the rise of the machines…!
But never mind all that, here are the collected findings of this morning's hideous experiments.
(Fair warning, these field notes may not be for the faint of heart or the weak of egg)
EXPERIMENT ONE: can our test subject get up at 6.30am for breakfast?
OBSERVATIONS: this is a simple one to get us started, despite this human's usual intense aversion to early mornings, the promise of a breakfast buffet is plenty motivation to rouse him from even the deepest of slumbers, and the weirdest of dreams.
CONCLUSION: yes.
EXPERIMENT TWO: can the test subject get away with taking the last four eggs on the serving tray?
OBSERVATIONS: this experiment is weighted more heavily towards the supplier than the consumer, at this early juncture the provision of such a minuscule number of eggs represents a failing on the part of the kitchen team as opposed to the misadventures of the breaxpert, the latter of which can be observed removing said items with no hint of shame.
CONCLUSION: absolutely, anyone with an issue with it can sod off.
EXPERIMENT THREE: can the hotel laboratory succeed in replacing the orange juice with only an implication of orange juice instead?
OBSERVATIONS: this is a particularly interesting tactic from the hotel lab team. Presumably in an effort to save money they have chosen not to supply any orange juice for this morning's test subjects, choosing instead to leave the dispensing tube empty - and indeed missing entirely - but still display the card proclaiming there to be orange juice available.
CONCLUSION: evidently not, I saw through their flimsy ruse straight away.
EXPERIMENT FOUR: Will any of the test subjects notice if disfigured creatures are served instead of eggs?
OBSERVATIONS: this scientist is not sure what happened behind the kitchen window in order to produce eggs as hideously deformed as these, perhaps they were cooked with 25,000,000 volts of direct current instead of the traditional oil vat method. Frankly, I don't really want to know either.
CONCLUSION: the taste is unaffected, so a reluctant yes here too.
Actually all this breakfast mad science is inspiring me to create some eccentric and twisted concoctions of my own…
EXPERIMENT FIVE: what happens if I put marmite on my toast underneath my fried eggs?
OBSERVATIONS: regular scholars and patrons of my breakfast lectures will be well aware of my proclivities when it comes to the synergy of egg and toast, but today I posited a theory of inserting a third element into the machine - marmite. Obviously I am well aware this is a divisive and borderline controversial experiment but please rest assured I am a professional and take my work extremely seriously.
CONCLUSION: success! The viscosity of the marmite creates extra adhesion of the egg to the bread, increasing security and reducing vulnerability on the risky plate-to-fork-to-mouth maneuver. Plus, as a bonus it also supplies an extra sensation of umami to every bite.
EXPERIMENT SIX: can this theory be carried forward to other applications, specifically involving sausages and hash browns too?
OBSERVATIONS: emboldened by the success of my previous venture into the domain of the breakfast gods, I took a further step and used a marmited slice of bread to encase a sausage (sliced nearly in twain) and a hashed brown (mashed delicately into the spaces around the sausage)
CONCLUSION: another success! This combination of textures and tastes might seem insane - and the disgusted eyes of my fellow test subjects would further corroborate that theory - but it was a revelation indeed.
EXPERIMENT SEVEN: What other unusual and yet to be discovered combinations are there?
OBSERVATIONS: by this point I was feeling giddy with delight, two new breakfast creatures on the books, surely there could be more? What about apple juice on toast? No. How about cereal with bacon in it? FOR GOODNESS SAKE MAN, THE SUDDEN RUSH OF ABSOLUTE POWER IS DRIVING YOU MAD!! ... I had to ground myself with something a little less outlandish. Finally I settled upon adding raspberry jam to a croissant, which in itself doesn't appear to be very groundbreaking, but the low tensile strength of the croissants at this laboratory, combined with the extremely stiff structure of the selected jam meant that this procedure would be extremely tricky.
CONCLUSION: the surgery was intense, but after an extended operation over several nervewracking hours, I'm pleased to report another success.
EXPERIMENT EIGHT: how will the test subject react to an unexpected locational situation?
OBSERVATIONS: another experiment by the hotel laboratory team themselves, they decided to test my grasp on reality. When I left my table momentarily to gather the materials required for the preceding experiment, the testing team sent an undercover technician to infiltrate and take ownership of my testing area. I must admit I did not immediately notice this, I was too focused on my ingredients of course, but as I went to sit back down I noticed the large bag on the floor next to my chair. Then I noticed the leather jacket draped on the chair. I briefly wondered if I had somehow missed these items when I first sat down but OF COURSE that is madness. I quickly came up with a plan and in a stroke of absolute genius if I do say so myself, I sat at another table. The insidious infiltrator returned moments later, apparently still pretending to be blissfully unaware of his heinous transgressions, but I knew. I am a scientist, and I KNEW.
CONCLUSION: absolutely fine, no overreactions observed.
EXPERIMENT NINE: can our test subject covertly gather evidence of this breakfast intruder to substantiate the claims of this ridiculous aspect of the story?
OBSERVATIONS: I reported this invasion immediately to my breakfast supervisor (fellow scientist, spouse and co-host of the forthcoming podcast, Chloe) and she was as shocked as I was. To back up my story I took a sneaky selfie to include within the frame an image of this criminal. But I decided that was not enough. On my way out of the lobby, because I needed a refrigerated caffeine/fruit solution that the laboratory was not able to provide, I decided to indulge in some further counterespionage, expertly staging a phone call to cover my real actions - gathering video evidence of the criminal from outside the viewing glass.
CONCLUSION: both articles of evidence are included with these notes, for further examination by the reader.
EXPERIMENT TEN: Will our test subject be able to navigate through all of these experiments and avoid a catastrophic result?
OBSERVATIONS: obviously all of these experiments are extremely dangerous, challenging, and should only be attempted by a qualified breakfast professional such as myself. Failure to adhere to sufficient levels of training and caution will surely only lead to the most awful result of all - split yolks.
CONCLUSION: hopefully you already reached this conclusion by yourself, but for posterity - not a single yolk was split on this day.
Further photographic evidence is now supplied with this journal, along with field notes where appropriate.
Click the tiles to open the full images.
Thank you for your ongoing breakfast diligence.
