The Inaugural Eggs
In July 2014 after being promoted in my job at the time, I was sent on an intensive training course, which also involved a week’s stay in a hotel in Bristol. I was on my own, I was bored. In the mornings I was hungry, but also whimsical. Thus, my now traditional “Breakfast today…” monologues began.
I’ve presented the first five here as one collection, because I think it enhances the overall experience to get a good idea of my mental state across that week. A lot of these also include bonus content that was also posted on my Facebook later on those days, delineated as such below.
Egg-njoy.
21/07/2014
Breakfast today was a bit shambolic, with no one to greet me as I entered I made my way straight to the conveyor belt toaster (priorities) and set a couple of slices of white on their fateful journey. I was mid way through my evaluations of the fried eggs when a voice came from behind me. Room sir? Yes, I haven't eaten since last night, I'll definitely have room. No no, your room number please sir. He looked impatient but smiled when I gave him the information he was requesting, bid me a good morning and went on his way. 12 minutes later I had selected my eggs and moved on to the bacon. Not up to standard so I skipped it. Finally I grabbed an orange juice from amongst the carefully displayed array of beverage selections and headed for a table. As I sat, another lady approached. Would you like a drink sir? I was initially thrown, partly because I was already holding a glass of orange juice, but also partly because I wasn't fully awake yet. She clarified: tea? Or coffee? Oh I see. No thank you, I don't agree with their policies. With another 'good morning' she was gone. The eggs were good but one of the yolks split when I was carefully slicing around it. Must choose better tomorrow...
22/07/2014
Breakfast today is not my main issue. Rather, that I appear to have woken in some terrible state of lethargy, similar to that of a zombie or perhaps even a B&Q worker. I haven't made verbal contact with anyone, but that's as much to their benefit as it is to mine. The restaurant is much busier today than it was yesterday, so I have to be more ruthless in my hunt for eggs. Have chosen a seat at the end of the room so I can keep an eye out for potential threats. Particularly suspicious of the guy two tables away who is chatting away on his phone, evidently he is some form of automaton. On the up side, no split yolks today...
(And then in the evening…)
It's the third night away from the family and the separation is starting to get to me now. I've taken to calling down to reception to ask them what they did today, hoping that they'll answer with [eldest]'s usual "ummm, I don't know?!" rather than their preferred "could you stop calling us please" and then I've been gurning at the mirror, attempting to make myself laugh in the way that [youngest] does when I pull a silly face at him, but I just see my own ugly mug staring mawkishly back at me. Just me. Alone. Quiet, and isolated. I actually really want a hug but [ex-wife] is over 200 miles away so it's not exactly convenient, for her or for me. Was tempted to order one from room service but I was dissuaded by the mandatory £5 tray charge. To keep my spirits up I think I'll attempt to divine the translation of the hieroglyphics on the Corby trouser press that seem to be where the instructions would normally be. Third degree burns are a great way to pass a couple of hours...
Good night everyone, I'm going to bed on a more positive note, the hotel wi-fi just told me I look nice.
... It's complimentary
23/07/2014
Breakfast today was strange. This time I was interrogated upon my entry to the restaurant. Just you sir? Yes, thanks for reminding me. Have you been for breakfast before? Yes, many times. Ok follow me then sir. She then took me to the far corner of the room. Clearly my 'dirty rotten egg' tshirt offended her, or perhaps it was the smell. Either way, I was facing a trek to the buffet bar. When I did finally reach it, a shocking sight greeted me. The hash browns were orange (not brown) and the orange juice was brown (not orange) The bacon was chewy and all the toast was burnt. I quickly selected my eggs and started the arduous journey back to my table. None of the yolks split today, but I'm not entirely sure they were really yolks....
(Later that day)
I'm pleased so many people are enjoying the "breakfast today..." monologues, but a little concerned about how many people think they are completely true. They are based on true events but embellished a little. The orange juice wasn't brown, the lady didn't ask me if I had ever been to breakfast before, I didn't actually smell (ok so maybe that last one was true) but I just enjoy writing something funny for people to enjoy, my situation is a little lonely at the moment so it gives me something to do and amuses me knowing that it is amusing others. I hope that you are amongst those who are enjoying them, I am really enjoying writing them, and there are at least 7 more to come... :)
24/07/2014
Breakfast today was confusing. I was already disorientated because my 6am alarm hadn't woken me up (indeed I couldn't even recall it going off) and I was now later than I would have liked. When I arrived at the restaurant everything was in a different place. My OCD alarm bells were screaming. The cereal was where the eggs should have been, the pastries were where the juices usually were and there was no sign of the hot buffet at all. I panicked, and did my best meerkat impression. I'm already quite tall but when I rear up onto my legs properly I stand very close to 10 feet tall. As I scanned the arid landscape of the sava... Restaurant, I spotted a row of silver shells further down the room. It looked like they were on fire, but then I realised that was what was keeping the food inside warm. Knowing that I was on such a short schedule I quickly grabbed what I wanted and sat down. Normally at this point I would grab some toast but someone had set the conveyor on the toaster to 'extra slow' mode and it was all coming out blacker than a crow in a goth outfit at a cinema. Being tired I was of course grumpy and growled at some people in my way, found my seat and ate in silence. I did manage to make a happy face out of my food, but it didn't improve my temperament. Still, at least the eggs didn't split today...
(And again, later…)
Last night in the hotel and I'm getting ready to go home tomorrow. Packing everything up, loading the suitcase and stuffing it all in. It doesn't fit. Dammit. Perhaps if I take out the TV and the trouser press? Yes, it fits now, and the toilet seat is still in there. Excellent. Now, Netflix and a glass (well cup) of cheap red wine? Yes please.
25/07/2014
Breakfast today was emotional. It's my last day in this hotel so my last breakfast, and the staff were waiting for me when I arrived. Room number please sir? I gave it and a sudden crack of party poppers erupted around me. A banner unfurled from the ceiling; Goodbye Aaron, we'll miss you! They then presented me with a complementary glass of orange juice, which was futile since they're free anyway. I headed in and made for the eggs. After selecting from the dangerously low stock levels of the egg tray, I grabbed the spatula and began the complicated process of extracting the two that I wanted. It was tense. A small crowd had gathered with bated breath (though that could have been because I was holding up the queue) and I made my first removal successfully. The second was not to be so easy. The spatula slid under with ease, but the egg wobbled as it ascended. Next thing I knew it was tumbling off the utensil. In slow motion I watched it fall through the air and slap back down onto the hot plate. A tear formed in my eye, and the crowd recoiled in terror. The yolk. I couldn't bear to look. A scream from one of the women nearby confirmed my worst fears. The yolk had split. I quickly left the room, grabbed my case and checked out without another word...
