A Second Week of Eggs
I had a gap between training weeks, and the second week was to be in London instead of Bristol (a shame, I enjoyed the adventure to Bristol!) but the hotel was just as lonely, so my morning ramblings were just as insane.
I have also put a couple of the intervening posts in here, though they do not start with the requisite “Breakfast today…” they do help to bridge the gap.
30/07/2014
Had a brief panic attack this afternoon after it appeared that the next hotel I'll be at would not be including a breakfast. To say that there was cold sweat would be an understatement. I had visions of me frying my own eggs (the yolks would definitely split!) and emptying my own orange juice into a dispenser. Luckily I managed to find a number for the hotel, and after I had composed myself enough to not sound like a nuisance caller (heavy breathing is an unfortunate side effect of yolk split fears) I demanded to speak to the manager. After explaining who I was and what I do in the breakfast industry he was incredibly apologetic and accommodating. Turns out breakfast is included they just didn't think it important enough to tell me. Phew.
01/08/2014
I would like to take a moment to issue a formal apology. It has been highlighted that a lot of my recent posts on Facebook have in fact been based on lies. I have been taking factual information and putting the humorous spin on it, more for my own entertainment than for that of anyone else. I now see that this is wrong. I would like to formally apologise for any upset offence or any other negative feelings that I may have caused as a result of my humorous writings. This was of course not my intention the fact that I am now dictating this message to Siri should demonstrate just how sorry I am. Luckily Siri is very patient and doesn't misspell any words at all. Banana hammock. No Siri I didn't say that.
04/08/2014
Breakfast this morning was on the move. Now you might think this would be a problem, but I'm here today to tell you that you are in fact wrong! What's that you say? Surely this crazy man in a snappy shirt and tie combo isn't talking any sense? What is he getting at? What is he doing shouting at this time of the morning? Why is he cuddling that raccoon? The answers to these (and many more) questions lies in the TRAVELEGG9000!!! Now hold your applause, well at least until I tell you what it does. The TRAVELEGG9000!!!™ is your new breakfast-on-the-go best friend! It will cook you an egg in literally 2 different ways, in only 19 minutes. INCREDIBLE. Simply insert three eggs and press the shiny purple activate button to start the machine. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand* the TRAVELEGG9000!!!™®© will then astound you with the simplicity of preparing your morning breakfast on the run** and you'll be the envy of the whole train as you tuck into your double egg on toast, NOW WITH EVEN LESS SPLIT YOLKS*** (toast only possible with the optional TOASTMAXXTER) How can I get one of these fabulous devices?! I hear you ask. Well it's easy, please don't shout, I'm here to tell you. With our easy-peasy payment system we'll automatically debit your account every month, with a totally unspecified amount that will be different every time. INCREDIBLE. Why wait? The TRAVELEGG9000!!!©©© is your ticket to breakfast brilliance with no delays, can't say farer than that****
* warning, hot oil, do not hold the device
** you must remain perfectly still when device in operation in order to avoid severe burns
*** 43% no-split rate compared to the Mk1's 28%
**** railway puns not intended, device not intended for use aboard trains
***** this post certified 100% genuine by a team of breakfast boffins05/08/2014
Breakfast this morning was shocking. The hotel restaurant is being refurbished so they've moved dining to one of the conference rooms in the basement. Which would be fine, if they didn't make all the guests give presentations for growth strategies for the company. Worse still, most of the selection on offer appeared to be comprised of fruit. Who wants fruit for breakfast? I am a man not a guinea pig. The 'full English' section was sporadic at best. Creamy 'scrambled' eggs, suspicious looking bacon and mushrooms which looked like they had been there for days. No toast. No hash browns. No fried eggs. I started to panic. What would I do without fried eggs? I made my excuses and left in a hurry. The most humble institution of breakfast has been horribly skewed. The only upside, no fried eggs means no split yolks, but of course, that's a technicality...
06/08/2014
Breakfast this morning was uncomfortable. First, I had to queue to get in. The room was only half full yet they were still struggling to seat everyone. Eventually they found me a seat, asked me if I wanted tea or coffee, whereupon I said no, but could I please have some toast? Clearly I must have said it with some strange inflection because she looked at me like I had just asked her for a loaded gun. She didn't answer, just hurried away. I made my way to the buffet. It was worse than yesterday's. No eggs. Not even the creamy scrambled eggs that always look suspiciously like vomit, not a single egg. Plus, no bacon, no hash browns, no sausages. Essentially all that was on offer was beans, mushrooms and tomatoes. I threw up a little in my mouth. Switched sides to the continental section, expecting at least a selection of meats and pastries, but what did I find? Croissants. Just croissants. I gave a loud sigh, took two and headed back to my table. A new lady came over and asked me if I wanted tea or coffee, I politely declined with a mouthful of croissant successfully contained. A few minutes later another lady came to ask if anyone had taken my order, tea or coffee, I said no but that I would like some fried eggs. She gave me a look that seemed to say 'you want WHAT?!' But then smiled and said she would get me some. I am yet to see her return, I suspect she was just posing as a member of staff in order to try to obtain my bank details, in particular the answer to my security question: How do you like your eggs? The correct answer is of course without split yolks. Today, there are no yolks. I cry. It does not help. Then a man appears with my eggs, he brings them to the table, your eggs sir. I could have kissed him. I didn't of course, croissant would have gone everywhere...
07/08/2014
Breakfast today was... Well... Actually ok. No queues, not too busy, and they actually listened to me when I asked for fried eggs. While I waited, I fashioned a rudimentary bacon and egg mcmuffin out of a corner of ciabatta bread, scrambled eggs and bacon, but it wasn't the same. I dumped half a pound of salt into it and suddenly I had created a monster. It was alive. EAT ME it growled. I naturally acquiesced. My fried eggs arrived and toast too. Lovely. No split yolks either!
08/08/2014
Breakfast today was breathtaking. This was to be my last one, and where last time I was building towards the first season finale, this time our series had been cancelled by the network. What lies for me beyond these monologues? It's unclear, at least up to this point of the text. For now I sat down to my fried eggs, which were already waiting for me. The hotel staff had lined up at the side of the dining room with their heads bowed. Floral tributes at my table and cards with messages like 'all the best' and 'we'll miss you' I was choked up with emotion. No wait, I'd eaten the toast a bit too fast and it had lodged itself into my windpipe. As I struggled for breath I was comforted by the fact that the yolks of the eggs weren't split. My last ever breakfast was to be a peaceful one.........
(And later…)
As much as I've really enjoyed being in London for a week, I'm really looking forward to getting home to see my family. I miss them and they miss me. It's hard for me to be away from them for even a day let alone a week, so I'm excited to give them cuddles and revel in their company. Plus if I leave them in their boxes too long that get lonely. God I love my camera equipment...
